no yesterday

don't.
don't!
my heart shouts when I see you
with her, with me
doesn't matter what you do.

you act like there was no yesterday,
that we are alright -
and I play along.

like you never hurt me so,
like I never got hurt.

please stop it,
I can't breath! give me some space,
let me be..

broken.

can we really get through this?

I choke,

 I slip, 

  I fall..

are you brave enough to save me?
are we brave enough to struggle through?
are you brave enough to catch me when I fall

without cutting my heart off with another woman,
another hit,
another fall,
deeper,

 inside,

  of this hell.

numb

numb feeling around me,
like it wouldn't be real.

I feel nothing


confusion -
no confusion,
what is this

hurt? anger? disappointment?

fear.


and I go through the same moments
again, and again,
and I still don't see the whole picture.

who I thought you would be
has disappeared.
who you are now -
I don't know.

someone too good to be true.

a stranger, someone -
you no longer fit in,

you didn't respect me enough,
you hurt me enough,
to feel like this,
to feel like nothing.

what is your goal now?
you live like there was no yesterday,
like you never let me talk;
didn't care what I felt like.

you live without me, to me,
thinking you can fix this.
or is it already fixed inside your head?

but I'm not that fixable.
I feel broken.

sankaritar

minua ei naurata
kun sanot
kulta, kaikkihan sinua rakastaa!
voisin iskeä luun kurkkuusi,
hiljentää sinut kylmällä katseellani,
huomaisitko sitten?
elät haavemaailmassasi,
luulet minusta enemmän,
kuin olen.
en ole se täydellinen nainen, joksi minua luulet,
en se nainen joka elää pillisi mukaan.
katso: minussa on sisua! voimaa!
en ole maan matonen, jonka voit nokkia kuin lintu sadepäivänä,
en ryömi eteesi makupalana. en ole helppo saalis!
mitä haluatkaan minulta, että rakastuisin tyhjään kuoreesi,
sinuun, joka et tiedä mitä rakkaus on,
(pelkkiä pumpulilinnoja egoasi pönkittämään!)
joka rakastat vain peilikuvaasi;
kaikki tänne, minulle, ja nyt heti!
niin kuin minä haluan!
eikä muilta kysytä.
luulet että polvistun eteesi ja kumarran,
vain koska olet mies!
mies vailla vertaa, supermies!
se luulet olevasi, mutta et minulle.
apinakin olisi parempi kuin sinä,
kissanpoikanenkin rakastaisi paremmin.
sinulle rakkaus on pelkkiä pumpulilinnoja,
mitä tekisitkään jos suuttuisin?
näkisit sen kaiken raivon, karhuemon kaikessa voimassaan,
joka varjelee sydäntään kuin poikuettaan,
vieraiden likaisilta käsiltä.
en ole barbie-nukkesi, etkä sinä liioin ken,
miehellä pitää olla muutakin kuin uljaat piirteet!
ei ulkokuori ole kaikki kaikessa,
sen jos sinäkin tajuaisit.
voi jos näkisitkin sen,
narsistisen mielesi takaa.

pieces of a puzzle

when was it that I promised:
you wouldn't see me cry,
you wouldn't see me laugh
nor feel anything,
you would no longer have me around;
I wouldn't be yours -
wouldn't be anyone's

and I was gone.

when did I tell to myself
that it was all a dream;
you never hurt me so,
I never was broken -
I never needed you to be there for me -
never needed anyone close to me

and I closed my heart.

when did I decide
that you don't have a right
to be loved or to love anyone,
to honor or to be honored,
to scare or to be afraid,
angry or disappointed -
to be imperfect -
that you don't deserve to be loved by me.

and bitterness was built
and carried, and held

and I said goodbye for good
for me to be in your life - for you to be in mine.

and in my eyes I only was a victim and you - everything bad there can be.
(nothing you deserved to be)

closing up

like eyes had been opened after years
like the veil had been moved finally
and i see things as they are
you as you have been - always 

like the scar from your heart had been opened again
like the exhausted mind that lets you be tired at last
and you don't have to be that strong any more
and you can just sit back and cry

and everything that you've wanted, everything you've wished for
crash, all at once, as you think
but it's always been there, as you really know -
when you think it a little more closely
 
now it only leaves an open door
to your feelings to be shown
or to be crashed again -
and the close-up will be open

I want you to know

putting myself against the wall
and you want to know every answer.
I don't wanna run away,
whatever the reason
and I'm still not familiar with myself;
everything makes walls come closer and closer:
the scenes rounding beside my eyes
and I try to keep myself together,
cause you are worth it.
I try to catch my breath,
tell the answer that I barely know myself,
and I want you to know
that besides every confusion
I do care, and that you are
worth of every try.

feeling broken

no need to feel broken but I am
no mind to tell what to do - it's silent
only agony inside,
only longing to be on your arms,
to be hugged, tightly.

but you're not here.

only thought after thought,
only cry after cry -
no tears shed anyway.
only confusion
and no words to share.

and you're not here with me.

I wish you were.