hiljaisena aamuna

nousen, herään
ei enää nukuta.
mietin eilistä, sitä kaikkea
mitä en tahdo
en tahdo tehdä, en tahdo nähdä
en osaa ymmärtää.
suossa josta ei pääse ylös
olenko?
tiedän että hän on
ehkä.

enkä haluaisikaan nukkua enää
miksi turhaan pyörisin vain sängyssä?
enkä jaksaisi enää tehdä mitään
kun ei vain jaksa, ei enää:
tyhjä olo,
ja kaikki kuin kysymysmerkki.

mihin tästä enää mennään?
alas, vai ylös, vai ei-minnekään.
en tiedä, enkä jaksaisi ajatella.

hiljainen aamu,
vain tuuletin hurisee,
ja minä mietteissäni -
enkä tiedä vastausta mihinkään.

sitä jaksaa kun on pakkoa

eteenpäin vaan vaikka suohon hukutaan

sometimes I feel that we
shouldn't be together.
nonsense, I know.
that would only be the easy way out.

sometimes I feel that we
are too broken together.
can we also be strong
or week together,
leaning to each other, while we'd be getting stronger?

I know I'm weak.
more what I am - I'm confused.
it hurts to watch you being hurt,
to be unsure of what to do.
what's the worst it this:
I see there's nothing I can do.
the feeling, that's the worst.
I hate it;
it hurts.
and sometimes it comes to me too overwhelmingly.

I know I'm strong.
I try to be.
the decision to be "the stronger one".
the idea: "one of us must be.
you need me to be strong".
and maybe you truly do.
but still being the one who hurts inside,
the one that doesn't show it.
I never show it anyway -
that I'm broken.
it comes so naturally from me anyway.
right?

what do I do with you darling;
I don't want to see you hurt.
I neither want to leave you.
I wish you'd be alright.

seeing you go.
being near.
being apart.

picturing your eyes,
the look on your face so sad.

how can it hurt so?

is the brokenness trauma or is it real?
what do you think inside?
when you touch me, hug me, don't want me to leave.

leave.
I want to leave, my darling.

I don't wanna choke.
I wanna be able to breath.

free. that's what I wanna be.
am I free? I don't feel so.

and still I stay.
beside you, darling. I know you're hurting.
but I don't wanna be part of something wrong,
I don't wanna be trifted into the corner
with you, closer to you, away from my love for you


darling, I want us to feel good.
I want to be strong.

I want you to know I care,
but not in the way that makes me hurt.
I want you to trust me,
but not rip me apart by forcing me into the corner
with your actions led by the hurt inside of you.

I want to leave,
but I want to stay.

I want to be strong.
I want to say no.